DarkLady

About Me (new and improved updated as of 8/29/19)

I know pretty much everyone here knows me but for the random new person that I add, I felt like I should do an about me post:

My name is Nicky
I am in my 40s and live in Minnesota

I have two boys that are my life, Sebastian (Baz) and Sam. They were both born early (34 weeks and 26 weeks). They have special needs(Baz has speech delay and sensory processing issues. Sam has global delays and sensory processing issues. Sam is on the spectrum and Baz is suspected ADHD) so a lot of time is spent running to therapy and doctor appointments. I do have two blogs over on wordpress I write in for them (scorpiobaby.wordpress.com and librababy.wordpress.com) I also have a regular blog on wordpress (raisingthebrothersp.wordpress.com) as well for myself but that is hopelessly ignored by myself. It's public so I am always leary about what to share there. All of the wordpress stuff is neglected these days. I need to write more..

I am married and my husband is a stay at home dad.

We have a cat named Yaz who I adopted after our long time cat passed away
we also have a dog named Misha.

I have a twitter that I rarely actually post tweets in but I am libradragonmom there.

I am pretty active on instragram (Love photography) and I am libradragonmom there. I am also penwardenpictures.

I swear one day I will get my old username back considering I am libradragonmom pretty much every where.

I am on facebook but I have my profile fairly locked down so if want to be friends there please let me know and I will add you.

With life being busy I am not nearly as active on LJ as I used to be but I do read a lot on the LJ app so I maybe quiet with comments but I am usually reading. Posting on my part depends on work and the kinds life. So bear with me on that please.

I do write about my kids a lot.

I love photography so I post a lot of pictures (well I used to but would like to get back into that. I post under a cut usually unless I am posting from my phone and my cut skills are hit and miss).

I love geeky things and movies.

I love family time.

as of July 2019, I am in remission from breast cancer. It was a long road to get to this point. My diagnosis came in March/April of 2018, I went through IV chemo, oral chemo, three surgeries (in one month) and 6 1/2 weeks of radiation.

Any questions, let me know.
DrWhoClaraPretty

“My enemies are all too familiar. They're the ones who used to call me friend “--Idol home game enty

Home game entry:

It was her private business she thought, however they did deserve an explanation. She was not a bad person, just a person who made a poor choice. The choice would define her for years to come.

She was young and inexperienced. Life was not easy and he was the out she needed.
He though after a few years was really not the answer to her struggles. She really should have found herself before leaping into the first ever serious connection to another.
The answer was found in a place that she was not looking and she honestly did not even realize it was there. Her inexperience with men and relationships made her miss the mark and miss it hard. However deep down, there was something but it would not boil to the surface until she faced a miscarriage.

She was lost and her husband was nowhere to be found emotionally.
Babies and perfectly round baby bumps surrounded them. These gave him strength and hope for the future and he could not understand why she would cry and pull away. She would lose herself in other things and somewhere in the mess of the reality she lived in, it would become even messier.

She pulled so far away that she would start doing things, things she could not fathom. She was lost and wondering, wondering, crying hysterically often and at the drop of the hat.
One day she was losing herself in the ways she did when she was young. She wondered the mall, window shopping, dreaming of what could have been and why she was still where she was.

She found herself in front of the person who made her smile and giggle like a school girl. It was innocent, feeling a live again and a purpose. She felt like there was a reason to be alive and stay alive. The attention was welcomed when it should not have been.
Then attention lead to moments that should not have happened but yet maybe it was the universe beating her over the head that she was not happy, she was not herself in the life she had built.

Eventually that life, she built came crashing down upon her. It was her doing physically but emotionally the ties had been severed a long time ago between the two. Neither seemed to have realized it until the meltdown and damage that could not be repaired.
She explained these facts over and over again to their friends. Many turned their backs and chastised her, many would not even listen, and many asked HOW COULD YOU? And even some said WHAT HAVE YOU BECOME?

She feel into a deep darkness and battled her inner demons. She acknowledged her part in the breakdown and wished others would at least have given her that. Only two friends would give her that and she was grateful.

Only till years later, did some finally turn around and give her that and friendship blossomed again. It was hard to trust after they were against her for so long.
DrWhoClaraPretty

Making the Impossible Possible (LJ Idol)

The blue scrubs clad doctors exited her room and in came another person in grey and pink scrubs. It was not a doctor and honestly, she was o.k. with that being it’s been non-stop doctors since being transferred to the more equipped hospital.

Her heart was beating so fast and her face was still wet from the tears of fear that ran down her face from the drive to the new hospital.

The whole drive there, all she could think of was the cold ultrasound room and the dead silence she was left in waiting for the doctor to come in.

The words,” I need to get the doctor” was a constant echo in her ears.

The words,” You need to go to the University, RIGHT NOW! “

Her husband grabbed her hand and said, “Hon, breathe with me and focus”
Once she was able to focus on the present and not what had recently occurred and the unknown future of her pregnancy. She and her husband locked eyes with the man in the grey and pink scrubs.

“Hello, I am a nurse from the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit here. The surgeon asked me to come and talk to you. After the cerclage is placed, you will be on bed rest for as long as your body can sustain this pregnancy. From the amount of funneling you are having, the goal is for you to make it to 24 weeks gestation. After that we will look towards 30 weeks and then 34 weeks and eventually full term. It may be impossible to even reach 24 weeks but hopefully you can.”

The tears started welling up and her heart was racing listening to the nurse talk. She squeezed her husband’s hand as hard as she could. She did not want to cry and show how scared she was. She wished she had the ability to appear hard and emotionless as her husband.

The nurse continued to explain,” If your cerclage fails and you go into labor prior to 23 weeks and 6 days, the hospital does not offer medical cares, the ability for the baby to survive is a very low percentage. We will offer you comfort care however.”

She burst into full panic mode and the tears streamed down here face while she cried hysterically. Her husband hugged her tight till the tears stopped.

They both looked at the nurse again and he explained, “If the pregnancy makes it to 24 weeks and on, your baby will be transferred to the NICU for cares.” They both were familiar with what a NICU is as their 9 month old son had called the NICU home for 3 weeks.

The nurse kept explaining the goals the pregnancy would need to meet. He explained about the statistics of survival at each goal, the statistics of health issues that may arise, etc.

She just sat on the hospital bed and the words just kept coming until the NICU nurse was interrupted by the surgery team.

The nurse left the room, she hugged and kissed her husband who wiped the tears off her cheeks and lightly kissed her goodbye.

She was rolled into the operating room and she was overcome with the clean disinfectant smell. Then she began to feel sleepy and more relaxed. She let the medicine take over her body while she thought about she just wanted this over and hoped something out there in the universe would make the impossible possible. All she wanted was continue the pregnancy and see her baby flourish.
DrWhoClaraPretty

Resolution..

So I know I totally didn't get a entry in for week of Idol.
work was crazy
life was hectic
my brain was mush

Anywho.. I still kind of wanted to write about the topic: Resolution

Resolutions are tricky, new years resolutions are long gone in my life. I would try and fail. I feel like they set you up for failure. Goals seem more reasonable to me. Maybe they are one in the same..

During cancer treatments, I wanted to give up. Yes, I have to live for my kids and husband. I have to live for my parents as they had lost my sister. There wasn't much joy in life prior to cancer, I had to really look for it in the middle of working a job I am not fond of, dealing with the realities of a son who is developmentally delayed and on the autism spectrum, fighting for help with my other son who is borderline with things. Life was going through the motions and trying to find joy in a movie or something the kids accomplished. When my oldest was diagnosed ADHD with anxiety and depression, with the depression they said that's due to all of the things involved with your cancer. I really felt the mom guilt and wanted to give up.

Near the end, I felt like we were at staring down at the finish line. I made a resolution to try and find joy in life again.

The resolution is holding on by a string..
work is a cluster f
kids have more therapy then before
I am running on empty

I will keep the resolution in the front of my mind because joy needs to be somewhere
DrWhoClaraPretty

Bad TV Drama... week 0 Intro

There once was a girl who believed in fairytales, well not the knight in shining armor kind of thing because well this princess can save herself.

Life was planned out in her from the early years. She had grand ideas of motherhood in her twenties, becoming a lawyer and fighting the good fight.

Being overly ambitious , she would her last years of high school taking college courses full time and at the tender age of 18 embark on her Bachelor’s Degree in probably one of the most useless degrees ever unless you want to get into politics. Bright eyed and bushy tailed looking at life through rose colored lens, she would get a BA in Political Science and bomb the LSAT a few times before deciding to throw in the towel and opt for a paralegal degree.

There was a 5 1/2 year marriage and a few miscarriages sprinkled in there which would became the turning point of those rose colored lens becoming very clouded. Life was moderately o.k. through cloudy lens.

The silver medal to that not so prince charming in the previous marriage came along.

Life appeared to be all be mostly rainbows, unicorns and sunshine as a marriage happened and schooling for a Master’s Degree in Education was in the works.

Eventually a baby was in the mix as well.

Nervous, scared and excited to maybe finally become a mom after the girl lost all and any hope.

Baby came

Baby came 6 weeks early

This fairytale was slowly evolving into a TV drama that would take a few years to get all the ground and be one of those shows you look at with wonder and ask what the fuck? who'd they piss off in another life? what's with that black cloud?

then baby #2 would come 11 months after she and her silver medal were finally starting to maybe figure out parenthood. However baby #2 would come 14 weeks early at 26 weeks and 3 days.

They worked through parenthood of an 11 month old at home and a medically fragile baby in the NICU for 97 days.

Then it was a family of 4. A family that really no one could relate to except her pocket friends. Those on the other side of a computer screen/phone screen became her lifeline to navigating motherhood of premature babies.

The Master’s Degree sat collecting dust as its partner of a teaching license was never attempted.

She plugged along at her law firm lackey position and her silver medal put his law enforcement career on hold to be a stay at home dad.

The babies would grow and eventually her life and theirs was consumed with therapy and doctor appointments, hell even appointments in the land of Cleveland as youngest has a rare genetic condition and autism.

Eventually, she would feel helpless as her older sister battled the medical world and insurance companies which lead to a breast cancer diagnosis and her eventually death months later.

Six months from her sister's death, there would be that phone call.

"The test came back positive for cancer"

IV Chemotherapy
hair loss
puking
all the puking

trying to work, keep up being a mom, explaining to the babies why mom has her head stuck in the toilet and is bald, and keep some sort of money coming in

Those rose colored lens of her were a thick dark color which one could not see out of but she kept trying. She kept putting on the brave face and would get through this cancer fight, not just for her but for her sister, her silver medal and those babies at home.

After IV chemo, treatment was consumed with hormone therapy and oral chemo. Along with the chemo was fighting with doctors and trying to get to an end result that was being alive but also something that if it could happen, her mental and emotional health somewhat intact.

There was a phone call from her parents, her brother was found dead in a Wal-Mart parking lot. At the age of 42, she was an only child. Her parents had lost two children in their 40s within 2 years and one was diagnosed with cancer.

Eventually there was 3 surgeries in one month and 6 1/2 weeks of radiation.

1 year and 4ish months later, she would be told that she was in the "survivorship phase". She still thinks how that sounds like some stage you would hit in a video game.

Today she looks back at her life trying to locate some clear lens to figure out the new "normal" if there is such a thing. Those rose colored lens were smashed to pieces.

She wants to get rid of the bad TV drama feel of her life the last few years.

-------

If you read that whole thing, here's a cookie and cup of whatever your pleasure is

If you want to skip all of the above, you can still have a cookie.

Readers Digest version of the above

Mom, married, 2 special needs kids of varying degree, lost both of my siblings in the last few years, diagnosed with infiltrating ductal carcinoma early 2018 and just wrapped up radiation in July of this year. Cancer can go fuck itself and what it does to people.

So in all honestly, out of the whole Mom, married, 2 special needs kids of varying degree and has one dog and one cat, I am just someone trying to navigate the shit life throws at you and navigating it from the otherwise

(I honestly don't usually swear that much but life has been a cluster fuck the last few years)